The Human Can Opener
by kingofdragons1
Summary: While on the way to a TMNT convention my friend and i encounter the real thing!
1. Default Chapter

The Human can opener  
  
By kingofdragons1 with the added comments of Arista Niara  
  
It was one of those hot sunny days where you would do anything not to be stuck in one of the following: Number one- a line, number two- a gorilla Halloween costume, number three-your mother in law's house, number four- a turkey, and number five- an assortment of pots and pans welded together creating some makeshift armor. Unfortunately for me and my friend we were stuck in all five. (A/N1:Arista Niara "what are you talking about? … first of all we are walking down an empty street and there is not one line to be found anywhere. Second of all we are not wearing gorilla Halloween costumes. Also your not married so you don't have a mother in law. A turkey????? Come on even you can do better then that. Lastly since when do these robot suits look like welded together pots and pans??".) In reality we were off to the TMNT convention in NYC and those robot costumes of ours yep you guessed it Krang and Shredder. She had taken a liking to the stylish wardrobe that is Krang. I on the other hand found a really cool complete deluxe Shredder armor on ebay for really cheap. Arista Niara "don't listen to a word he says I am not in a Krang costume I'm in a…" kingofdrsagons1"Technodrome costume?" I butted in. Arista Niara "why you!!!!!"she yelled as she started chasing me down the street. We were about two blocks away from the convention center when stopped suddenly. Arista, slammed into me and fell to the ground "hey!! What's the big idea??" She complained. Oblivious to anything other then what stood before me, I pointed ahead and stammered "Turtles" . Arista looking confused shifted her gaze to what I was pointing at. For before us where none other then The famous four we had dedicated our whole lives to. Not only where the turtles there but so were several dozen foot solders and not to mention their arch enemy The Shredder. Suddenly an idea popped into my head (A/N2 Arista Niara; " ohh boy we know that happened when he gets ideas……..") "Arista" I said "wait right here ill be back in a second" and rushed off back the way we had came. From the side lines Arista appeared to be in too much shock to do anything of much else but stand there like a mindless zombie. Meanwhile I had returned, driving a pickup truck of boxes and parked it in the middle of the street. While Arista was still in here trance I took a can from one of the boxes and made my way onto the battlefield.   
  
I walked right up to Shredder and grabbed his arm trying to use it to open the can that I had brought. Shredder, lost in thought (apparently) took the can from me and showed me the proper way to open it. "Ohh, that's how" I said "wait right here" I told him as I made my way back to the truck. This time I came back with a whole box of cans and when I tried to use his arm again he spun on me with an angry glare. "What are you doing" he snapped "Do you know who I am?" " and why are you wearing armor similar looking to mine?" He took a closer look at me and knocked at my armor and said "what the this stuff is real" then he examined my arm right down to the claw "impossible this claw looks stronger and sharper then mine", grumbling , "where did you get this" he snapped again "ebay" I chimed in. Yes of course I know who you are" I replied after I felt he was done inspecting my armor "your that can opener guy from TMNT the Shredder or something like that". "Yes that's right" he began " wait a second what do you mean can opener" angry now "I am not a can opener". "Yes you are" I assured him, "see?" I said while taking his arm and using it to open yet another one of my cans. "Stop that!" he yelled, then turning to face me he said "now what do you want I have no time for games". "oh I just want you to open all of these" I said pointing to my box of cans. He looked at me hard then, looked at the cans, then looked at me again, then back to the cans and back and forth about four more times. While he was in a daze I took it on my self to continue opening cans with his claw. "Stop that!" he yelled again after realizing I had opened three more cans. Meanwhile on the their side of the fight the turtles had finished off the foot since Shredder had been controlling them by remote control. Completely confused by what they now saw before them Mikey managed to blurt out "two Shredders?".  
  
"That is statistically impossible" replied Donatello, but for once Donny actually wasn't sure for a minute or two. "That's it" Donny cried "one is umm a robot" , "a robot?" questioned Raph " you sure about that". "Yes it has to be" Donny exclaimed " look at the way the mechanical Shredder keeps doing the same thing over and over again just like a machine would" "in fact" Hypnotized Donny "the real Shredder has created a duplicate of himself purely to satisfy his need to open cans". "And I thought the Shredder was strange enough already" mumbled Leo. "It would seem that our old enemy has a fetish for opening cans" Continued Donny," well I guess our work here for today is done". The rest of the turtles agree and head back into the sewers leaving myself, Shredder and a truck load of cans alone to sort themselves out. Just then something clicked in Shedder's head and he then took the time to survey the battle. The street was littered with broken parts of the mechanical foot solders that he had brought with him. "Curse you turtles" he yelled in the wind "I'll have you yet". Then turning back around to face me The Shredder looked like he was about to explode. Luckily I knew what to do in such instances, " don't worry Shredder" I said trying to calm him down "I'll help you get those turtles" I said as I patted him consolingly "in fact I have something in this box that will bring the turtles right to you". "Really? " Shredder questioned, now suddenly completely calm . " yeah, just give me a second to get it out" I replied as I started digging through my box of cans. "Here it is!" I exclaimed producing a particularly old can with lots of pictures of turtles and tomatoes. "what is it" Shredder asked as he came closer almost trying to grab it out of my hands. "It's food " I told him, but shredder was too busy goggling the can. "mauahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah" he burst out laughing "now I will get rid of those pesky turtles once and for all" . " how does it work " he quickly asked , " well " I said " you open the can and put it in a pot " "yes yes then what" asked Shredder eagerly " Then you put a little water in the pot put it on the stove and turn up the heat" I paused for a second "gez don't you know how to cook chef Boyardee stuff?" but Shredder wasn't listening he was to wrapped up in his new fool proof plan to destroy the turtles. Thinking to himself for a few minutes he then turned to me and asked "now where can we find this pot and stove you speak of?" " well we could go back to my house but that's a while away" I answered "oh yea and we have to take the statue over there" I said as I pointed to Arista who now had a few birds sitting on her head. " Fine, fine ill call the brain for our ride" he said as he reached for his communicator. Krang appeared on the com-link in seconds only this time he wasn't' t in his usual robot suit. Instead I was In a bath tub surrounded by rubber penguins . "Shreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeder!" he squealed " have you killed those damn tur…" he paused for a second " why are there two of you?" he asked scratching his head. "And why are you spying on my PBT?". Shredder and I looked at each other both with the same question in mind "PBT" we echoed. "Penguin Bath Time " a now angry Krang growled at us. "ohh" we said in unison. " lets remember not to talk to him when he's doing that" I told Shredder. "Why are you talking to yourself again " asked the brain. "Are you seeing someone ELSE that I don't know about?". I looked at Shredder strangely for a second and responded with "uhhh you answer that one". It was this moment that I saw something happen that I knew I would never ever see again in my entire life. Shredder, took off his mask and with tears in his eyes began to say something that I couldn't make out. Then he suddenly burst into laughter a few minutes later he recomposed himself and acted as if nothing had happened. Still looking at Shredder I wondered out loud "what the heck was that about". "your asking me?" came an all too familiar screechy voice from the communicator. " he's your clone" the brain finished. Next thing I knew it and the Tecnodrome was towering over me taking my Arista statue I started for what could undoubtedly be the most dangerous adventure I had ever been on…  
  
Part one end( for now) 


	2. The Tecnodrome

Human can opener Part 2  
  
By: kingofdragons1 with the added comments of Arista Niara  
  
There I was standing in the most infamous of all places in the world that is TMNT, (A/N1: kingofdragons1: bum bum bummmmmmmmmm) The Tecnodrome.  
  
For a place so white I expected it to be allot brighter, but since Krang was by far no Martha Stewart, (and trust me that's a good thing) I had to settle for the home makings you can only find from a brain-like creature that comes from dimension X. Glancing around at my new surroundings I caught a glimpse of Shredder he was hugging the can that I had given to him and tears were gushing out of his eyes, like it was the best day in the world for him or something. Shrugging it off I poked at Arista so see if she had turned human again from her previous coat rack like stature. Unfortunately she was still as stiff as a week old loaf of Italian bread so there was just nothing I could do about that. Soon we were in the middle, better known as the control room for those regulars who often visit the place. Krang was in his not so stylish robotic ummm-sporting wear? Yea that must be what it is. He appeared to be sitting down for tea (who would of thought?) at a large table surrounded by many chairs. Each chair except for two had a stuffed animal in it (squirrels, fish hares you name it this guy had it) thinking to myself I knew I dint want to know why or how or any other questions like that having to do with this particular subject. The two of us sat down to tea time with the strange brain creature when suddenly a man in a very large hat and his hare companion came rushing in with cups of tea kettles of tea and their own chairs. " You invited friends over Krang? " Shredder asked, "no of course not" screeched the brain. " Allow me to introduce myself" exclaimed the man " for I am one in the same as the same one as I am none other then yours truly" he finished with a smirk. "Huh?" Shredder and Krang said simultaneously. " He's the Mad Hatter," I shouted over the commotion, but no one was listening tome again. " No room, no room" cried the hatter " it wasn't very civil of you to sit down being uninvited" the hare called to Krang "WHAT, THIS IS MY TABLE! " screamed the brain. "Oh, oh I have a good question," exclaimed the Hatter, completely ignoring Krang " why is a raven like a writing desk?" Everyone looked blank. "You expect them to understand that?" asked the hare. " I want a clean cup," declared the hatter " lets all switch places". "An idea an idea" cried the hare, everyone but Krang got up and switched places knocking a stuffed animal out of the previous chair. "How dare you do that to my friends" shouted the brain, but no one was paying attention to him." "It was at the great concert of the queen of hearts that I had to sing" began the Hatter, then turning to sing "twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder where your at, up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky". " Oh very good very good " shouted the hare. " well I hardly finished the first verse when the queen bawled out " he's murdering the time, off with his head"" continued the Hatter. "You might as well say that 'I like what I get' is the same thing 'as I get what I like,'" said the hare. "Take some more tea," the Hatter said to me. I elbowed shredder and he looked over at me "I don't think we should be drinking the tea" with a nod and a sip of tea Shredder turned his focus back to the party. " I told you your butter wouldn't suit the works," shouted the Hatter to the Hare "it was the best butter you know" called back the hare. "SWITCH" yelled the Hatter, and everyone except Krang switched again. Leaving Shredder and company at the mercy of the mad hatter I decided to call it a day. Just as I left the table I heard the Hatter call out " what day of the month is it?" then he went on to ask "does your watch tell you what year it is?" meanwhile I was taking an exclusive tour of the Tecnodrome when about forty foot soldiers walked up to me. A little weirded out I asked what they wanted, the leader of the troop looked confused and replied" but we always tuck you in and tell you a bed time story sir". Curious that I was I played along; they lead me down a long corridor finally stopping at a large double wooden door. I opened the door and looked inside, the room was furnished with the accents of a thirteenth century Japanese home (with the additional add-ins, a.k.a the Jacuzzi, posters of Hanson, and a rock guitar collection, oh yea and also three pink rabbit stuffed animals) " Nice place u got yourself Shredder" I thought to myself " except for the tasteless boy band music and the rabbits, I think I can chill here for a while. " hey you" I called at one of the foot soldiers " bring me some milk and cookies on the double" ,"YES sir " he shouted and ran off ,"and make sure they are chocolate chip! I yelled down the hall. Seconds later cookies and milk at m disposal, I demanded the remote control and turned on the tube. Sitting back watching Spiderman the movie on pay -per- view and munching on my cookies I wondered how everyone else was doing. Then I suddenly remembered something, "my coat rack" I blurted out " I need my coat rack" I told one of my foot soldier attendants. In a hustle three of the men nearest the door rushed out and retrieved Arista for me. The afternoon passed quickly and by the time Spiderman was over I felt tired. Preparing for bed I took off my Shredder armor all except for the mask claiming that I needed to keep it on because I was cold. After that my attendants proceeded to tuck me in, then one held up five books for me to choose from. The titles were as following: "A Tale Of Two Cities", " The Tale Of The Weird Grandma", "Chocolate The Killer That Won't Stop Killing", "Of Men And Mice", and "Jurassic Park The Real story", (A/N4 Arista Niara: you can only guess what one he chose there) I chose Jurassic Park The Real Story. (A/N5 Arista Niara: I could have sworn he was going to go for the grandma one.)  
  
::: That night three not so silent thieves (unknown to me at the time) came into the room and carried Arista off, attempting to dump her down the garbage chute but it was at that moment when Arista regained her senses and broke free of her evil captors. Using her limited abilities of Kung fu and ideals from watching the matrix too many times she prepared herself for battle. One by one the Assailants employed their methods and one by one Arista fended them off knocking them all unconscious. Not knowing where she was or what was happening she tried to make a plan of escape.   
  
Before her were two chutes: one with a blue handle, and the other with a red. (One was for garbage   
  
(Blue) the other for laundry (red)) Hearing many voices coming towards the hall she had to decide quickly. So she went with her favorite color jumping into the chute for safety unfortunately for her this meant a one-way trip out of the dome and into the sewer.:::  
  
The next morning I awoke to a beautifully made and deliciously tasting breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheese with three strips of bacon and a tall glass of apple juice. After that I took the liberty of using Shredder's shower got dressed and made my way down to the control room not noticing that Arista was no longer in my room. When I met up with Shredder and Krang they were bickering over what to do next. As soon as I walked in I became the center of attention for both looked up at me. "What?" I asked, " the pot and stove which way?" an all to eager Shredder demanded. "Oh about twenty five miles south east of here" I replied, " ever hear of a place called Rider University?" "You heard him shouted Krang to one of the foot soldiers in charge of operating the Tecnodrome, "set a course for Rider University!!!" During this time I spend valuable bonding moments with Shredder playing various board games. Some time later we arrived a half way point (halfway down the block) in which we paused to refuel, while Krang attended to that I played Shredder at some Chess beating him thirty seven times in a row in fifteen minutes. Shortly after Shredder threw up the board in vain claiming that the game could not be won. (A/N2; kingofdragons1: note we were playing hungry, hungry hippos at the time.) More time passed and I suggested playing some video games (it seems Shredder is a real wiz when it comes to playing grand theft auto three). It was getting pretty late when I thought I remembered something, I went down the hall into Shredders room looking for Arista but she was no where to be seen so I turned to Shredder, who had followed me " hey you wouldn't know what happened to my coat rack now would you?" I questioned him. "What?" he said as he tugged at the armor around his neck "coat rack?" he asked scratching his head "I had nothing to do with it" he said now sweating " oh, umm I mean" he corrected "what coat rack".   
  
::: Arista (covered in orange Jell-O from head to toe) had just gained semi-consciousness when four humanoid creatures with shells on their backs came into view. "Whoa looks like Shredder threw out another perfectly good coat rack," said Mikey pointing to a discarded coat rack. "You already have twelve, Mikey," chided Raph. "Hey guys come over here" Leo called to the other turtles as he began poking something with a stick "I think I found something". The other turtles came over and looked at where Leo with strange grins on their faces. "What? Asked Leo, " I think you better stop poking at it cause I think its alive" Mikey warned Leo. Donnetello bent down to examine the creature, " it appears to be a orange gelatin creature of some sort maybe one f Krang's creations". " Can we keep it?" asked Mikey, " no of course not" replied Leo. 'Actually I think we should take it back for experiments" suggested Donny. The rest of the turtles shrugged as Donny slung Arista over his back and followed them back home. Awaking on Donny's laboratory table just on time to see the turtle prepare to surgically cut her Arista screamed at the top of her lungs "NO". Backing away, Donny although slightly frightened, remained calm. "So you can talk" the turtle obseverved. "Of course I can talk what do you think I am some lifeless blob of jelly?" (A/N6 kingofdragons1: not knowing that she was covered in the orange goop I think it was a pretty good coincidence that she said what she did) "Well yes actually " confessed Donny "I mean you sure do look like some kind of slime monster". " What do you mean I look like a slime monster?" Arista questioned. Donny held up a mirror for her to see "arghhhh I do look like a slime monster" Said a shocked Arista "and wait a second you're a turtle aren't you?" she finished. "Yes, yes I am, confirmed Donny. "LEO?" Arista questioned and began hugging Donetello so tightly he thought she was going to crush him to death. Just then something snapped in her head, "I need to get cleaned up and then ill be back " said Arista as she hopped off the table "which way to the showers?" "Third door on the right" called Donny after her as he inspected himself for any breakage of bone. :::   
  
Back at the Technodrome, I had given up with Shredder and the coat rack incident because every time I mentioned the words "wood", "coat rack", or "jelly bean" Shredder got all nervous and started sweating up a lake. So I preoccupied myself with following Shredder around all day trying to get him to open more cans for me. Krang was busy at the control room shouting that we were making "good timing" every fifteen minutes. As far as I could tell he was right, because I hadn't even noticed that we had moved in the last five hours. Since all days must end when the fat headed brain creature sings today was no different except for the fact that I got to use some ear plugs which not only kept my eardrums intact but protected me from hearing the god awful comedians that Krang had hired for the night.   
  
::: Meanwhile at the turtle hideout, Arista had taken a shower and now looked like a girl once again. (As apposed to before when she looked like a slime monster) Unleashed in the turtles very home she became so excited that her mind could not differentiate turtle from turtle. So as she went from room to room finding everyone (even master splinter who was hiding under the couch) she hugged (more like bear crushed), clinged to and called Leo. After some time, the turtles managed to tie her up to a chair to begin their interrogation. Unfortunately, for the turtles Arista had been switched to TMNT mode and couldn't do much else but chat the name Leo over and over again. The turtles tried various things to try and get her sane again, food water medicine, talking to her, and even asked Master Splinter to try. But to their dismay she continued to rant on about Leo and now had a crazed look in her eyes. However there was one last shred of hope, for around her neck was a school ID that told them she was from Rider University so the turtles elected to at least take her back there figuring it must be a mental institution of some sort. :::  
  
(End Part 2) 


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